We all have at least one loud and crazy couple among our friends who are arguing all the time. Most people think that these people don’t like each other and their relationship is doomed to fail. However, experts say that the arguing is not a sign of a bad relationship – it’s a sign of a healthy one.
The slamming, dish-throwing, yelling, stomping, crying, name-calling and calling on the phone in the middle of the night are actually a sign of a healthy and good relationship.
Experts say that fights are making partners learn to fight through pain which helps their relationship last. It may sound crazy and ridiculous to you but fighting actually means love.
Dr. John M. Gottman from the Gottman Institute says that fighting was never a symptom of a weak relationship. Fighting among couples can be separated into 3 approaches which can indicate if the relationship will last or not. Here are the 3 basic couple fighting styles according to Gottman:
Couples who want to talk, make a compromise and resolve their problems;
Couples who want to be heard and expect their partner to agree with them;
Couples who don’t want to deal with their problems
The first approach may include a lot of screaming and rage, with both partners stomping in separate rooms. However, it most often ends in compromise and love. Although the fighting part is difficult to get through, it will make your relationship far stronger than before.
The second approach occurs when one of the partners doesn’t want to listen. In this case, he\she don’t deserve your time as they aren’t able to turn the fighting into something productive. These people are just not interested in fighting or yelling or hearing what their partner has to say.
Not fighting at all, however (the third approach) is the worst thing for your relationship.
Although it doesn’t seem bad on the surface, not fighting will make you bottle up emotions within you which will eventually destroy your relationship. Not fighting when the going gets tough and walking away instead is the easy way out and the worst one as well. Although it may look bad, the fighting will eventually help you and your partner vent your frustrations and find an approach that will work for both.
Fighting Means You Care
Fighting means you care about your partner and that you’re actively working towards a solution. Running away, on the other hand, means that you’re unable to deal with problems head-on which may end up destroying your relationship. It’s either fight or flight for humans and while empty fights are wrong, fighting with a purpose will make your relationship stronger. When a couple fights over something, they actually show a willingness to resolve their problems and find a solution that will keep their relationship and love growing.
Fighting Keeps You Healthy and Sane
Gautama Buddha once said that holding to anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person would die. According to experts, Buddha’s logic can be backed-up scientifically. A recent study which examined more than 40 000 women from Massachusetts found out that women who hold onto anger when fighting with their partners had a 4 times higher risk of death than the ones who regularly vent their emotions.
The stress of holding onto anger is very real and so are the health risks triggered by it. So, if you love your partner and care about their health, you need to fight when the need arises. After all, it can save your relationship.
Fighting Is Being Honest
During a fight, both partners can understand how each of them really feels. Fighting will help you to be honest with your partner and the outburst of truth can only come from a good, productive discussion. Without fights, many couples would marry and have children without realizing how their partners really feel.
According to respected author Pamela Paul, our core values and beliefs can come out during a fight. Not holding back will help you see how your partner really feels about something, which will save your marriage or relationship. These important values can only get tested during a fight or there will be no way of knowing if your relationship is worth fighting for.